Increase your EQ: Part IV

Preliminary Interactions

How can you, after gaining a clearer understanding of self, effectively use this new clarity towards understanding others better? Let’s start with the first step- Your first encounter with a new acquaintance.

EQ Photo Tools for Pre-Screening

Neal introduced me to this one. You can learn a lot about someone through their photos. Teeth bared menacingly in the smile? Shrewd eyes on a smiling face? Focused look? Calculated look? Unsure look? Kind eyes but foolhardy look overall? When looking at a photo of someone, use your first glance to avoid thinking about the person, and try instead to feel- What do you feel when you look at this person’s photo? Then you can break it down into thought-driven specifics.

First Meetings

The first encounter you have with someone if often times the most telling- Most people miss out on this opportunity to learn. Here are some things I ask myself in my first meetings with people:

1. Is s/he passionate or merely anxious, and why? What’s driving her/him?
2. Is s/he thirsty for knowledge and able to adapt?
3. Does s/he have an internal compass?
4. What are his/her strengths? Weaknesses?
5. Is this person going to be a positive influence on your objectives?
6. What does this person value?

Physical Cues

Other questions you can ask yourself related to physical cues and body language. Examples of such questions are:

1. Is s/he fidgety?
2. Is this person scared to make eye contact?
3. Does this person take the time to reflect on difficult questions or jump immediately into answering?
4. Where do his/her eyes dart to if anywhere?
5. Is the person afraid to shake your hand or is s/he too physical? (This might mean s/he is attracted to you, and the coffee is a ruse for a date..)
6. Is this person taking your physical cues or talking without noticing you?
7. Is this person talking continuously?

Drawing out Insecurities

I use two tactics when I first meet people- The first entails making the other party feel so comfortable that s/he readily tells me what s/he is excited about or any trepidations they may have. The second is to make the other party feel so uncomfortable, that you can see how they react under duress. Generally when I do that, people react in three different ways and hence fall in one of these three categories:

1) Insecure and not willing to be self aware. These people respond by being either overtly defensive or going on the attack. These people are fearful of being self aware and project their disengaged internal monologue back at me. These people generally don’t like me for making themselves aware of their own insecurities.

2) Seekers: These people will be caught unaware, but take the opportunity to instead learn about themselves and ponder on the subject. These are the kinds of people you want in your arena, who are free of egotistical drive.

3) The Inspirers: These people will think and respond with something that’s incredibly thought provoking. You will only meet a certain number of these in your life, but they will inspire everywhere they go. Keep them engaged and on your leadership or advisory teams.

How to Go Into a Meeting

How you go into a meeting is often a determining factor of how the meeting will go. I try to clear my mind and go into meetings with a sense of grounded energy, focusing purely on the other party and often times observing and listening more than I speak. I don’t feel a need to prove myself to anyone but myself, and am interested more in talking about ideas and thoughts than reciting or listening to others recite their resumes (unless of course it’s a recruiting meeting). Either way, you’ll learn quickly if it’s a pissing contest or a genuine opportunity to understand what the other party is all about. Dive deep quickly and don’t be afraid to walk away if you feel like it’s not a good fit.