Quarantine Learnings

2020 has brought with it infinite hurdles for most, and in turn, knowledge and growth. I’d like to share a few of the things I learned about myself through this time.

Over the past few years, my life has been dull. I’ve been aching for the kind of unwavering excitement that had been sprinkled through my years up until I moved back to Seattle from San Francisco. I felt stuck, working tooth and nail to earn back the adventurous lifestyle I had merely months ago. I had no plans to travel, explore new things, or to connect with anyone. My emotions were as empty as my bank account. I was jealous of those who seemed to feel connected to others, aching for the kind of warmth that made me feel needy. My relationships were transactional, because I didn’t trust anyone who didn’t want something from me, or whom I couldn’t offer anything to, and I had no time to consider anything without a bottom line. I had cleared my life of all complications in search for inner peace, and with that peace, I lost the ability to feel. I’d been waiting for something to happen that would make me feel again.

Then I found Asha. A weight felt like it had been lifted off my shoulders. Trying to work for someone else felt stifling, and like putting a square peg into a round hole. I had no transferable skills as a non-technical founder, but building my own venture was something that I knew I could excel in. It was the first thing in years that felt right.

But after years of not feeling, I still felt emotionally drained. I was going through the motions without fully relishing in their effect. I was still grasping, and more unsure of myself than ever, despite being significantly more experienced.

Along came Coronavirus. I finally had no FOMO- Everyone was in the same shitty boat I was in, filled with a lulling dullness. It no longer bothered me that I didn’t feel like I had any real friends, or anyone I wanted to connect with. Sure, there were people who cared about me. There were people I could reach out to, who would engage. And there were even a handful of people for whom I had felt something for in the past, that I stayed in touch with every few months. But while they had moved on with their lives, I kept drifting into the past, aching for a time when I was capable of feeling something for another human being besides disgust.

From the outside looking in, my life seemed exciting- But I felt old, bland, resentful, and disconnected. And the worst part was how little this all bothered me. I had gotten so good at being alone, I’d convinced myself that I was at peace. I distanced myself from others, because I felt disconnected to myself. A part of me had died, because I’d told myself that it wasn’t important. The child in me, who was constantly falling in love with the world around me, who saw the good in people, who danced to every song like I was on stage, sang without worrying about what it sounded like, who flirted with cute boys, who celebrated freedom. I told myself that in order to be respected as a CEO, I had to let go of my sexuality, and that I didn’t need anyone else to be happy. I forgot how to have fun.

While others around me were overwhelmed by the lack of social contact, I felt calm and productive. I wondered, was I an alien?

Once things started opening back up, I decided that I needed a little laughter in my life. I needed to get out, to take a break. I spent time reconnecting with old friends and making some new ones. I dove into feeling, in an attempt to grow close to myself again. I bought flower essences, body oils, and essential oils to refocus and fuel my meditative practices, and experienced a shift in my energy. For the first time in years, I’m starting to be open, warm, and unencumbered. No where has this shift been more apparent than in my interaction with others- There has been a wave of people being drawn to me recently, with no rational explanation as to why.

I’ve started saying “yes” more. I’ve started actively engaging those I’ve connected with in the past and taking an interest in them, rather than looking for solace. I’ve decided that I need warmth, and have started by being warm with myself. I’m letting go of what used to be and what I used to feel, and choosing to be present and let myself feel today. I’m letting go of my unyielding scepticism, of the notion of what a CEO should be, and letting myself be free to be the CEO that I am. I’m embracing the inner child in me, who I’ve overlooked for so long. I’m not waiting for permission to be me anymore, any part of me.