Women in Tech
A few years ago when I was doing a some public speaking on IoT, wearable tech, and early stage venture, I would often receive requests to talk at women in tech events. I always felt uncomfortable to the point of saying ‘no’, but I wasn’t able, at that time, to figure out why. Now, after attending a week-long conference with a small segment on diversity and inclusion, I finally understand what it is about how this topic is handled that gets under my skin.
Diversity & Inclusion Workshop
Let’s start with the event that helped me gage this new clarity- The session I was attending was led by a ‘diversity and inclusion thought leader’. She started the discussion by asking us a series of questions related to Uber, the ridesharing startup, and how its CEO has behaved in light of recent events such as this article. She assumed that everyone in the room had read the article in question, despite the room being filled with a primarily global audience that is unconcerned with everything that happens in our little Silicon Valley bubble. Many people raised their hands to say that they had no idea what we were discussing, and needed to read the article in question, which, of course, she did not provide. The questions she posed could be summed up into one- ‘Would you fire Travis Kalanick, CEO of Uber, and how should he have behaved in light of these issues related to female inclusion within Uber?’
This start is the most pointless way to get someone to think about diversity and inclusion. Despite the shocking things stated in the article mentioned above by Susan Fowler, we still obviously lack the appropriate data points to make such a decision on the matter- And asking people a ‘what would you do if you were in his shoes’ question offers a false sense of context, validation, and self-righteousness.
The session leader then asked us to break up into two’s and discuss moments in which someone made us feel left out. As soon as she did so, I couldn’t help myself and told my discussion partner, an Indian girl sitting beside me, that all of this discourse seemed to me, utterly backwards. She asked me, “well, have you ever felt like someone wasn’t inclusive towards you and did it make you feel badly?” To this I answered, “Well of course I have. In fact, for a majority of my life I’ve felt ostracized and felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. Most people within my age range at grade school had no idea how to relate to me and weren’t usually very nice… But I realized that often times it wasn’t due to my actions or behavior that they were assholes; It was mainly because they were so uncomfortable with themselves, that they didn’t know how to interact with me. Guess what? Not everyone is going to be nice to you all the time- But you deal with it and move on. None of the successful people I’ve met has ever complained and pointed fingers of blame at other people. Take responsibility for your own emotions, engage if absolutely necessary, and move on if not.” My discussion partner didn’t seem to have much of a response to this, and instead, started telling me a story of her own.
She told me that in her city, there was a venture community leader who was hosting a company event. He hired promotional models to serve drinks and a troupe similar to Cirque de Soleil for a racier, topless acrobatics performance. Apparently, this made the women in that community so uncomfortable, that they went behind his back to report him to the board of the company and got him fired. She said that she found his actions to be so inappropriate that she refused to attend the event, and believed that he was fired rightfully. Then she asked me, “would it have made you uncomfortable?” To her surprise, I aptly replied “nope”. Her outrage was evident, and she followed up with, “would you go to a strip club with the CEO and founder of this company?” to which, I replied, “Sure, why the hell not?”
The point is not whether or not this CEO’s behavior was appropriate- The point is to figure out how it inherently affects YOU. I have no problem going to a strip club- Why should a woman who elects to work there make me uncomfortable? Is it because I’m jealous of her ability to use her physical ‘assets’ to her advantage, and maybe sometimes I think ‘wouldn’t life be great if I just didn’t give a damn about being respectable?’ 😉 After all, the things that trigger us are generally a deeper reflection of an aspect of our personality that we despise. And let’s not even dive into the fact that scantily clad or not, acrobatics is still an art form, and if you’re uncomfortable with the human form at its barest, it suggests a certain tastelessness in most forms of artwork. But I suspect that in the case of this young woman, sexualization was a shunned topic, having grown up in a conservative Indian society, and there’s a large part of her that felt shame and jealousy for women who could capture their sexuality without a care in the world. But hey, what the heck do I know with my limited access to data points!
What’s Wrong with This Picture
This young woman refused to see her own judgement in the matter, and also didn’t understand how her biases were alienating her from career opportunities. To be clear, I’m not saying that you should head to the strip club with your boss every weekend- I’m saying that you should be able to feel comfortable in most situations and understand when and why you are not to get to the root of your insecurities; and thus, have a generally more enjoyable experience.
Men and women both have insecurities, but they are usually rooted differently. From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes complete sense: Men’s insecurities are rooted in their ability to provide- i.e. careers and how much money they make; Women’s insecurities are rooted in their ability to attract a mate, and, well… mate- i.e. physique, sexuality, and all things related. For this reason, while men’s insecurities often spur collaboration, women’s insecurities dissolve it. This is most apparent in the career realm, and also the reason why most women are held back from being promoted, as collaboration is a core facet of career growth.
For those who are self-aware and have dealt with their insecurities, it’s easy to smell out the insecurities in others. Generally secure people will avoid insecure people at all costs, as they are often irrational, selfish, and not worth the nuisance value.
While it may be true that our society refrains from catalysing the growth of women in business, it’s more true that women are the most to blame for this, as most women who are in the job force let their insecurities affect their interactions with others and relationship with themselves. I have rarely experienced issues in my work related to being a woman- Perhaps it’s because I don’t attribute every negative experience I’ve had to my being a woman; Perhaps it’s because I command the respect of people I engage with through a quiet confidence and thought-provoking questions; And perhaps it’s simply because I’m drawn to grounded people and disengage with insecure ones as quickly as possible. The few times in which I have experienced gender-defined discrimination, I felt badly for a little while, as it is natural to do so, but I haven’t let it inherently affect my outlook.
Most thoughtful, grounded, and self aware people will support you if you approach them similarly. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve met someone whom I respected and admired, and who didn’t offer me the same open-minded courtesy. In the event in which there is not much common ground, why bother trying to establish any? It’s pointless. Cut your losses, and move on. Entrepreneurship is about inspiring people towards to common goal, and not about changing people.
What We Should be Doing Instead to Handle the Situation
Today’s hypersensitive world catalyses the victim mentality. This mentality has created a blurred line between people who take a stand against appalling behavior that negatively impacts their life personally, and people who simply use the ‘discrimination’ label to point fingers of blame at others for not getting what they want out of life. An clear example of this is the obvious difference between the Susan Fowler article, listed above, and the one written by this woman anonymously. Learning to distinguish the difference between whining and standing up for yourself is vital, and something most people fail to do regularly. In business and in life, the victim mentality doesn’t win you any trophies or happiness. Being diplomatic through a false sense of sympathy may make you seem likable in your mind, but people will always inherently know the truth and categorize you as disingenuous. Because you only have control over your own actions, it’s vital to reframe the situation as a self-growth strategy, and forget about trying to turn assholes into wonderful people through debates. You can only truly embody happiness if you take accountability for your own emotions, create an inner monologue to spur self awareness, be at peace with yourself, and stop caring about whether or not people like you.
Catering diversity, inclusion, and women in tech workshops as the one I mentioned above is counterproductive- It’s like putting a bandaid on a gouged eyeball. It would be more valuable to focus the discussion on learning how to deal with adversity, becoming more self aware, and tackling insecurities head-on. A more self actualized society is a healthier, more inclusive and more diverse one inherently. But it’s useful to also note that the ideal system doesn’t exist. Furthermore, sub-categorizing others is an evolutionary survival tactic that we all use everyday and in life-saving decisions. You cannot simply wipe it out, and therefore, we will never all be truly ‘equal’. Instead of striving for the impossible, play to your strengths, engage with people you truly connect with, and forget about the rest.
